


Meeting the Fakes

by AgentSprings



Series: Fake Pine 7 [9]
Category: Funhaus (Video Blogging RPF), Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF, Sugar Pine 7 RPF, The Creatures | Cow Chop RPF
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fake AH Crew, FakeChop, FakeHaus, GTA V AU, Immortal Fake AH Crew, Kidnapping, M/M, Temporary Character Death, fake pine 7, murder maze, this one got away from me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-03-04 12:28:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13364712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentSprings/pseuds/AgentSprings
Summary: The story of how Slaughter Pine Seven meets the Fake AH Crew and associates.





	Meeting the Fakes

It had been two weeks since their first real heist as a crew, and the disaster that had been. Jeremy and Autumn had been able to sell the jewelry through a few old contacts they had from their past lives. This meant that Steve was relaxed for the first time in a very long time because they weren’t strapped for cash. The only reason that he had any form of stress was because Parker and Cib kept messing around and reopening their stitches.

“Parker! Stop, you’re going to hurt yourself!” Steve heard Jeremy exclaim from the living room. He paused for a moment to decide if he should go out there and help before he decided that nope, he was good where he was. Of course, then Cib got up and started walking towards the door.

“Cib no! Where are you going?” He jumped up and tried to plant himself in front of the door.

“If Parker is doing fun things then I want to join him,” Cib said trying to get around Steve.

“Cib, I love you. Please don’t do anything to reopen your stitches,” Steve placed his hands on Cib’s shoulder and tried to hold him in place.

“I love you too! I want to go do fun things with Parker,” Cib said trying to pick up Steve and move him.

“Cib no!” Steve tried to grab onto the door frame but it was a losing battle. Cib carried the now pouting Steve out into the living room.

“Hey Jeremy, Parker. Why is there screaming and can I join in?” Cib asked, dropping Steve down onto the couch and looking at the bed.

“I’m trying to do cartwheels and Jeremy won’t let me,” Parker was pouting from the bed.

“Because you have chest wounds that will open if you do stupid shit like that,” Jeremy flopped back on the bed and threw his arm across his eyes

“I want to do cartwheels,” Cib’s eyes lit up at the suggestion as a sly, dopey grin spread across his face.

“No! Cib, you have an open wound in your hand. You can’t even like, bend it right now, why do you think you could do cartwheels?”

“Because I want to?”

Before they could argue anymore James walked in through the front door.

“Honey!” Cib jumped up and ran over to hug him.

“James help us, these idiots want to do things to reopen their wounds,” Steve said.

“Cib, babe, please. Your hand has only just stopped bleeding at the smallest movement. If you do something now to hurt it you can’t go on jobs with us for a year.”

“Aww. Fine,” Cib rested his head against James' shoulder before pulling him over to the couch with Steve.

“Hey, have any of you guys heard from Autumn or Sami Jo yet today? I know they were leaving this morning for a date, but I haven’t heard from them for a couple of hours,” James relaxed against Steve, glancing around at everyone.

“Do you think that something happened?” Steve asked, tensing up.

“I’m not sure yet, I just want to be careful. The Corpirate is still out there and I want us to be more cautious than normal. But I know Autumn and she should be able to handle herself,” James was still tense as he forced a smile.

“Autumn can track you from your bracelet right? Is there any way that you can track her? Like is that a two-way thing or did you just get lost so many times that she made sure she could track you?” Parker asked.

“First of all, we didn’t get the trackers because I got lost. Second of all yeah I can track her, we have matching bracelets. I want to give her a little bit of time before I like, piss her off.”

“I mean, that’s fair. But clearly, you’re concerned enough about it to ask,” Jeremy pointed out.

“I was mostly just wondering if they had come back yet.”

“Nah, dude. Just Steve and Jeremy being worry warts and keeping Parker and me from doing anything fun,” Cib took a hit from his vape and passed it to James.

“Dude you took a knife through the hand, it’s amazing you’re as functional as you are,” James took the vape from him and poked at his bad arm.

“Seriously, you two are amazing me. Oh but Parker we need to go out and get some more shit for your chest,” Jeremy said, pulling himself up and reaching for Parker’s hand.

“Do I have to go? The puppies need me! I need to play with Alfredo and Anubis,” Parker said picking up one of the puppies that had crawled into his lap.

“Do you even know which dog you just picked up?” Steve asked, picking up one of the other dogs.

“Uh, green collar means Turtle? I think you have Anubis. I still can’t tell them apart,” Parker said, holding the puppy up to his face.

“Who knows, they all respond to all the names so it’s probably fine,” James said, petting the puppy that Steve was holding.

“Alright, fine, no Parker you don’t have to come with me, I’ll be back in like 20 minutes. James can I take your car?” Jeremy grabbed his coat and looked at James.

“Sure man, just don’t break it,” James reached into his pocket and pulled out the keys.

“No promises,” Jeremy said, taking the keys and heading out the front door.

“What’s the likelihood that I get my car back?” James asked turning back to Parker.

“Somewhere between twenty percent and eighty percent,” Parker said, picking up another dog.

“That is a ridiculously wide range Parker.”

“You say that like I have any control over how he drives,” Parker said flopping onto his back and letting the dogs lick his face.

“I reserve the right to blame you based on the fact that you’re the worst person that I know,” James said.

“If I’m the worst person that you know there is something wrong with every other criminal you’ve ever worked with,” Parker said as he took the puppies back to the second room where most of their toys were.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After Jeremy had been gone for about 25 minutes Parker was a nervous wreck and had started pacing in circles around the living room. Steve and James were watching him while Cib was playing with the dogs on the living room bed.

“Alright, I’m worried. Do you think he’s ok? Should I go after him?” Parker rambled as he paced.

“You know what, how about I track Autumn. I think that the fact that we don’t know where she and Sami Jo are is throwing us off and making us paranoid,” James said, standing up and stopping Parker in his tracks.

“Yeah, I think that would be a good idea,” Parker said, letting James set him down on the couch next to Steve.

“Alright, let me go get my laptop. Steve, Cib distract him!” James hurried back to their room before he returned with his laptop.

“Ok so let’s find out where Autumn is,” James started typing on the computer while the others watched. It only took about a minute and a half but it felt like an eternity.

“Alright, it looks like she is-” James froze and stared at the screen.

“James? James where is she?” Steve asked sitting up.

“Well, according to this she is in the Fake AH Crew’s penthouse,” there was a moment of silence after he said that before all hell broke loose. Everyone was screaming over each other and freaking out.

“Everyone shut up!” Steve finally yelled. Everyone froze and looked at him, waiting for his next command. “James, how accurate is that?”

“As accurate as can be. Like even if she isn’t there she’s within the block,” James ran his hand through his hair.

“Alright, why would she be there? Would she be there willingly?” Steve asked, but before James could answer Parker jumped up and ran towards the door.

“Whoa whoa! Parker where the fuck are you going?” Cib said, jumping up and moving towards him.

“I’m going to find my boyfriend. I can’t believe I let him leave alone. So I’m either going to go and find him or I’m going to get taken by who took him,” Parker said, grabbing his jacket and running out the door. Cib went to go after him but James stopped him.

“Wait, wait I think I know what this is.”

“Yeah? What the fuck is it?” Cib said, stopping and crossing his arms.

“It might be some sort of initiation into the Fake AH Crew’s extended family. Fakehaus, Fakechop, apparently now us. They’re very picky and I don’t know why they would pick us. We’re new and we’re small, but if this is what I think it is they’re trying to see how we react under pressure. They have different methods of recruitment so I’m not really sure. I just know that they do things to see how we handle stress. My last crew fell apart because the boss wanted us to be ready for us and started doing things that would cause more and more stress until we broke. Also we haven’t done anything to piss them off and they wouldn’t fuck with a smaller crew for pun.”

“So are they watching us?” Steve asked.

“If they’re trying to recruit us then definitely. I don’t know how deeply though, bugs, cameras, or just following us,” James said, sinking down onto the couch.

“What do we do?” Cib asked. There was a moment of silence before Steve seemed to come back to himself.

“We wait. Fuck it, they want to see how we handle stress then we handle it well. We need to let them do what they’re going to do because they aren’t going to stop just because we don’t cooperate,” Steve said, “But we sure as hell aren’t going down without a fight. They come for you, you fight back. But don’t die fighting.”

“You’re the boss,” James said, closing his computer and standing up. He went back to the bedroom and returned with weapons. He handed Steve and Cib both a gun and a switchblade. He had tucked a gun into his waistband and a couple of knives around his body.

“Do we wait or do we draw them out?” James asked.

“I’d rather them not try and break in here. We have like deposits on the apartment and they’re all under my name.”

“Well then, James I think the dogs are due for a walk,” Cib said, causing all seven dogs to run to either them or the door and start barking wildly.

“I mean, I guess that’s one way to draw them into taking us,” James said, walking over to the wall where all the leashes were hanging.

“I’ll stay here, see if you come back. If you were going to come back how long would you be?” Steve pulled James into a hug as he said this.

“Give us like, 45 minutes to walk them to the park, around the park, and then back. If we don’t come back be ready to be taken at any moment,” James said hugging him back. Cib stood up after putting the last leash on the dogs and joined in the hug.

“We’ll all be reunited by dinner,” Cib kissed his forehead before pulling James away. James took most of the dog’s leashes, leaving two for Cib. The two of them walked out the front door with all of the dogs, not looking back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“It’s been thirty minutes do you think that they’re coming after us?” Cib asked towards the end of their walk.

“I can’t say for sure, I think so but I’m not a hundred percent,” James said, struggling to keep 5 puppies under control in front of himself.

“If they do take us how bad do you think it will be for us, for Steve? Hell, do you think Parker, Jeremy, Autumn, and Sami Jo are ok?” Cib started to reach for one of the puppy leashes that James was holding but his hand was smacked away.

“I’m sure they’re fine, if they wanted us dead they would have just killed us. If they wanted to send us a message they would have just burned down our apartment without us in there. If they recruit they separate and see how we handle it. They like loyalty, love, and trust between members of a crew,”

“Why? And how do you know that?”

“Because their crew is based on all those things, crews where everyone is stepping over each other won’t work well with them. There’s no sense of loyalty, and they won’t build up loyalty to the Fakes, any of their crews.”

“Well, how do you know that?”

“My last crew was rumored to be under inspection by the Fakes. Autumn and I dug a little deeper into their heists and the pasts of all of their crews. They all have one thing in common, their crews are all made of people who are fiercely loyal. They don’t leave people behind, they’ve died for each other before.”

“Wait. You’re telling me they’ve died before?”

“As far as Autumn and I can tell yeah. At least some of them have died multiple times, but we don’t think it’s common knowledge,” James said, reaching out and bumping the crosswalk button with his elbow.

Before Cib could respond a black van pulled up next to them and four men jumped out. There was a momentary pause while the men took in the seven puppies that James and Cib were walking.

“Ryan, Ryan they have dogs. We can’t hurt the dogs.” The very distinct voice of the Golden Boy of the crew, Midas, piped up.

“We can’t just let them go. Grab their dogs first,” Rimmy Tim said, bending down and grabbing 3 of the dogs, ripping their leashes away from a Steve and Cib. The Vagabond and Midas followed his lead, grabbing the rest of the dogs while Mogar tackled James to the ground.

“Shit! Asshole!” James yelled as they started rolling around on the ground trying to get the upper hand. Cib started to move forward to grab Mogar but was grabbed from behind.

“Shit!” Cib yelled as he was pulled back and away from James. He flailed around and managed to land a few hits on whoever had him before Midas appeared in front of him and tried to grab his legs. He kicked out and flailed but stopped when he felt his still-healing hand slam into the side of the van.

He threw his head back and bit back a scream, tensing up completely. He could just see Mogar and the Vagabond getting James up between them and dragging him back towards the van. They were both tossed in the back, Rimmy Tim and Mogar climbing in with them.

Cib presses himself back into a corner clutching his hand to his chest while James got in between him and the other two. There was a brief bit of silence after the car started moving where James, Rimmy, and Mogar just stared at each other before James turned his back on them to face Cib.

“You alright?” James murmured, scanning him for obvious injuries. As soon as he saw his hand his face drained of color. Cib held it up to look and he saw that both sides of his hand had burst open again and there was blood flowing down his hand.

Their dogs were sniffing around the car, three of them sniffed at Mogar and Rimmy while the other four came over to James and Cib.

“So, you guys have a lot of dogs,” Rimmy Tim says, picking up one of the puppies. Cib tensed up, worried that they might hurt the dogs. James rested his hand on Cib’s knee and tried to put on a brave face.

“Shut the fuck up Rimmy,” Mogar said.

“But Mogar! Look at the puppy face,” Cib could see over James’ shoulder Rimmy Tim hold up one of their dogs to Mogar’s face. He heard a squeal of delight from the front seat and suddenly Midas was wiggling into the backseat.

“Puppies! I forgot!”

“How the fuck did you forget, idiot?” Cib could hear the same fondness in Mogars voice that was often in Steve’s voice when talking to him.

“Mi-“

“Code names asshole. You already fucked that up once,” Rimmy Tim said before handing him a puppy.

“Do we need to like tie them up or anything? Or do you think they’ll behave?” Mogar asked poking at James back with his gun. James tensed up completely for a second before he relaxed again and focused on Cib. James reached out and pulled Cib’s arm closer.

“Aw fuck, did we break another one?” Suddenly Midas was reaching around James to grab at Cib’s arm. James shouldered Midas away and kept himself bodily between them.

“What do you mean another one,” Cib blurted out.

“Uh, he doesn’t mean anything by that,” Mogar smacked Midas’ arm before pressing his gun into James’ back. “Don’t fucking move asshole.” Cib and James made eye contact and James crossed his eyes to try and relax Cib. Cib had to hold back the laughter before he mouthed the words, “circus eyes” to James.

The car came to an abrupt stop and shut off causing James and Cib to tense up again. The door opened and the Vagabond was standing there menacingly. Of course one of the puppies decided that he looked like a new best friend and jumped right up into his arms. He lifted the dog up to his face and then tucked it into the collar of his leather jacket. Midas picked up two of the puppies and put them in the Vagabonds pockets before taking another two and climbing out.

“Alright you two, out,” Mogar said, ignoring the fact that Rimmy Tim was tucking the last two puppies into his jacket. James hesitated for a second, unsure if he should get out of the car or if he should watch Cib’s back. Cib took the choice from him by using James as a lift to get himself out of the car without using his bad hand. James followed quickly behind him, staying behind him and to the right of him.

They were in a parking garage, they assumed in the building where the Fakes had their penthouse. The Vagabond and Midas led them to the elevator while Mogar and Rimmy Tim followed behind them. Midas wouldn’t stop cooing over their dogs, while they were standing in the elevator he piped up.

“What’s this one’s name?” He held one of the dogs in front of James’ face from behind him.

“Uh,” James leaned away a little and moved his head to get a look at the collar, “I think she’s Anubis?”

“You can’t tell them apart?” Mogar asked from in front of them.

“Can you?” Cib asked, causing Rimmy Tim to snort before the elevator stopped and they were led out into a living room. The first thing that they saw was a tall woman with bright red hair and the loudest Hawaiian shirt they had ever seen standing over Parker, who was laying on their couch.

“We got the last two! And also seven dogs,” Midas said, setting down the two dogs he was holding. James saw Autumn’s head pop out from the hallway to the left and she started to move into the room before hesitating. Her eyes darted between the four men standing around James and Cib before she moved around the edge of the room to get to Parker.

“Hey, Beardo!” Rimmy Tim put the dogs down that he brought in and walked over to her. She turned towards them and raised an eyebrow.

“I have so many questions, but first of all why the fuck are there seven dogs?” She asked before taking in the scene in front of her. “Guys why the fuck are you still in costume?”

“Look at the puppy Jack,” Midas scooped up a puppy and held it right up to her face. As soon as it looked like she was distracted the other three tried to subtly pull Cib and James out of the room.

“Yes Gavin, I see the puppy. Freeze you three,” Without looking away from Gavin she pointed at everyone else. They froze in place and tried to shuffle Cib behind them.

“Yes, Jack?” Mogar asked innocently.

“What did you do? You guys are acting really suspicious,” Jack was walking over towards them. James glanced at Autumn who had taken up vigil next to Parker and was watching with a mixture of concern and amusement.

“Us? Suspicious? Nah,” The Vagabond said, shrugging his shoulders. Jack paused and crossed her arms glaring at them all.

“C’mon Jack, would we ever do anything you don’t like in our lives ever?” Rimmy Tim said grinning, there was an awkward pause where Jack continued to glare at them before Mogar yelled, “Scatter!” Leading every member of the Fake AH Crew to bolt.

Rimmy Tim and the Vagabond bolted for the big windows overlooking the city while the Gavin and Mogar bolted towards the elevator. Rimmy and the Vagabond shot out the windows and jumped while the other two were hitting the button for the elevator.

“C’mon, c'mon, c’mon you fucking piece of shit. You fucking piece of shit,” Mogar was chanting at the elevator as he hit the button while Gavin was bouncing at his back chanting, “Come on Micool!!”

Jack rolled his eyes and walked over to them, grabbing them both by their ears.

“So, what the fuck did you do?” He led them back over to the couches and sat them down. James and Cib moved slowly over to Autumn and Parker and they all stared at the window that the other two just flung themselves out of.

“It’s less what we did, and more just something that happened while we were doing what we were supposed to do,” Michael said, glancing between Jack and the four on the couch. She whirled on them causing all four of them to flinch back into the couch.

“Gah!” Parker gasped in pain as soon as he moved, causing James to turn to him with concern.

“What the fuck? Did you reopen your chest? Jeremy is going to kill me,” James reached out for Parker to see what was wrong. Parker caught his hands and gave him a strained smile.

“I didn’t reopen my wound, he did. I’m fine because she got me medical attention. Like there’s a medic here that actually took care of me and gave me drugs. The good shit, not the stuff I sell.”

As soon as James heard that they had a medic on site that was tending to them he grabbed Cib and pulled him in front of him.

“They broke open his hand.”

Cib gave him a look that was a mixture of fear and betrayal but James held fast to his decision. Jack glanced at the two of them before turning back to Michael and Gavin.

“Just wait till your father gets back. Then I’m going to kill you both. You had one job, bring them back unharmed. You injured two of them. One of them brought you back. One of them definitely almost killed you. Autumn and James are the only two that both behaved as hostages and that you didn’t injure! C’mon Cib, let’s get you to Steffie,” Jack started to lead Cib towards the hallway while James kept pressed to his side.

“Not you,” Michael jumped up and caught James’ arm.

“Try and fucking keep me from him,” He snapped, ripping his arm out of Michael’s grip and wrapping his other hand in the back of Cib’s shirt. Everything went still for a second and he could see the absolutely terrified faces of Autumn and Parker behind Michael. After a second Jack resumed her pace and led them both back into the hallway.

“Let me know when Geoff gets back. Oh and when the fucking battle buddies return let me know too cause I’m going to kill them again,” She called over her shoulder. She led James and Cib back towards the back of the penthouse telling them about their medic, Steffie. As they walked past one of the rooms they heard someone pounding on the door and yelling obscenities.

“Is- is that Jeremy?” Cib asked after they passed the room.

“Hm? Oh, yeah. He was being a little, uh, violent. So we put him in time out, at least until he calms down. That was about an hour ago or so. He has a lot of stamina, I’m almost impressed.”

James and Cib exchanged looks before they decided that they would rather leave him in there than try anything. They followed Jack into the furthest room from the living room where they saw a shorter younger woman who was packing up a rather extensive first aid kit.

“Sorry Steffie, we have one more for you.”

“I thought you told those boys not to hurt them? It’s harder to convince them if they are injured during recruitment,” She turned towards them and placed her hands on her hips. Jack just shrugged in response to the question.

“So this is a recruitment?” Cib clarified before ducking back a little behind James.

“Of course! But I’m going to wait until after all the bosses have talked to give you guys any details,” Jack said, ushering them further into the room and closing the door behind them.

“Bosses? Plural?” James asked as Cib was pulled over towards the bed and Steffie started working.

“Yeah, you don’t join the Fake AH Crew’s family of crews without talking to the other group leaders,” Jack walked over to Steffie and started to hand her tools as Cib’s hand was revealed.

“Dude, what did you do to your hand? It looks like you got impaled and then didn’t let it heal,” Steffie said, lifting the hand up and examining it.

“Well yeah, got it in one.”

“So, Jack-” James was about to try and press for more details when the door burst open and Michael is standing there.

“Geoff, Ryan, and Jeremy are all back. He says that it’s time.”

“Got it. James do you want to wait in here with Cib or out there with the rest of your crew? I think Gavin and Jeremy will be sticking around,” Jack asked moving over to the door and glancing back at James.

“I’ll stay with Cib,” He said, remembering that Autumn had Parker covered, Jeremy could take care of himself, and even though he wasn’t sure where Sami Jo was he wasn’t worried because Autumn hadn’t seemed worried.

“Alright,” Jack and Michael went back out to the main room closing the door behind them.

“Don’t worry too much, as soon as I’m done with your hand I’m taking you back out there to be with your crew,” Steffie said reassuringly. “But this does mean that you’re going to have to play nurse, so come over here and start handing me shit.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It had been an hour and a half since Steve’s boys had left and they still hadn’t come back. No one had broken into the apartment to take him yet though so he wasn’t entirely sure what he was supposed to do. The only thing that he really knew was that he was antsy and he didn’t want to wait for them to break into the apartment.

“Alright, fuck this shit,” He stood up and went out the front door. He stood in front of his building and started just yelling into the air.

“Come and get me motherfuckers! If you fucking hurt my dogs or my family I will fucking burn the city down!”

“Your wish is our command,” A voice from next to him whispered. Steve launched himself away, whipping out his switchblade and jamming it into the source of the voice. He turned and saw that he had jammed the knife into the throat of the Vagabond.

“Uh, whoops?” Steve said, as the Vagabond pulled the knife out and then collapsed with a spray of blood.

“I’m actually impressed, I didn’t think you would be able to do anything but get grabbed,” He spun around and saw the Kingpin of Los Santos standing there.

“I get that a lot,” Steve said rubbing the back of his head.

“I bet you do. I will have to ask that you don’t murder any more of my people,” He spread out his arms and Mogar and Beardo walked up next to him. Steve had a moment where the voice in his head sounded a lot like James and he heard him say “don’t go down without a fight,” so he reached back and pulled out his gun. He was able to shoot Mogar before someone grabbed him from behind.

“Told you he was spunky,” the Kingpin said grinning at whoever was behind him.

“I didn’t think you meant spunky enough to kill me,” it was the Vagabond again, which broke Steve’s brain a little.

“At least you died, he just shot me in the side like a fucker,” Mogar pulled himself up from where he was leaning against the wall.

“Oh just put him in the car, so that we can get on with this whole process,” Beardo said, grabbing Mogars arm and pulling him towards a van a little ways up the road. The Vagabond picked up Steve and carried him after them while Geoff followed behind after picking up the gun and knife that Steve had dropped.

“So, this is a job interview. We have been very impressed with your work within the city, we like how your crew interacts and how you have handled this situation. Right now the only thing that you have to do still is meet the other heads of the other crews. But don’t worry as long as you don’t piss them off you’ll be fine,” he said while the Vagabond pushed him into the car and climbed in behind him. The Kingpin and Beardo were in the front.

“You might as well know what our names are, I’m Jack, this asshole is Geoff, the guy you stabbed is Ryan, and the guy you shot is Michael,” She said, as she peeled away from his apartment. “Rimmy Tim’s real name is Jeremy and Midas is Gavin.”

“You have a lot of potential kid, but you’re still new so don’t let this go to your head,” Ryan said leaning back and tilting his head.

“Oh, you’re fucking terrifying. You also died and are now talking to me so that’s new,” Steve said, shrinking down into his seat.

“Eh, he’s not that scary, he basically lives off of Diet Coke. And he flubs his words nine times out of ten,” Michael said from Steve’s other side.

“Shut the fuck up,” Ryan said, reaching over and pushing him.

“Motherfucker! When we get there someone just fucking shoot me,” Michael shouted, grabbing his side.

“I can do that,” Everyone went quiet and looked at Ryan. “What? He asked. I stand by my statement.”

The car seemed to slam into something and Jack swore loudly.

“Mother fucking assholes,” She yelled, slamming her fists into the steering wheel.

“What the fuck was that?” Michael asked.

“I think we ran over Trevor. I think Aleks pushed him in front of our car,” Geoff said, climbing out of the passenger seat to see what was going on. Jack climbed out after him, and they both started yelling at the same time at different people.

“Well, what the fuck are we supposed to do with him?” Michael asked looking out the window next to him.

“Give him to James? Who is standing right outside our door?” Ryan was making eye contact with James who was standing and staring in the other window.

“Do I get a vote?” Steve asked.

“Nope,” Ryan opened the door and pulled him out of the car.

“Do we get to play with him?” a voice from under the car said.

“Oh, Jesus Christ!” Steve yelled jumping away.

“As long as the two of you promise not to break him. He’s fragile and breakable, and we do need him,” Ryan pushed Steve towards James while the guy under the car pulled himself out.

“Promise! Send us Aleks as soon as you can. Oh, Brett too.” James said pulling Steve away and towards the building.

“Wait, no I don’t like this plan. Wait Ryan no.”

“Come along young boy, we are going to a carnival. C’mon Trevor.”

“Coming!”

They both pulled him into the building, which as soon as Steve saw the inside his heart sank to his feet. The entire warehouse was set up as a haunted house.

“What the fuck? First, this isn’t a carnival. Second, what the fuck is this?” Steve started pulling himself towards the door.

“Not that way little boy. This way, into our house of fun,” James pushed Steve through some sort of hallway and slammed a door shut behind him.

“The only goal here is don’t die. So good luck and we’ll see you on the other side. Or inside,” Trevor said, slipping off to the side. James stood there and leaned on the door grinning at him.

“I’m going to die. I’m going to die inside of a house of horrors while I don’t know where my boyfriends are. I hope they’re ok,” Steve said as he started to move away from the door. He heard James snort with laughter before he heard him walk away. Steve moved a little further into the maze while tensing up.

“I’m not even the fucking fighter in the group. I’m going to die or kill someone. Again,” Steve muttered patting himself down looking for another weapon or anything he could use as a weapon. He didn’t find anything so he started looking around the area, and for the first time, he really took in the situation that he was in.

The maze had walls all the way up to the ceiling, and the walls appeared to be covered in a mixture of old Halloween decorations and what appeared to be blood. He didn’t want to get close enough to find out if it was actually blood or just some fake blood used to scare children. None of the decorations appeared to be sturdy enough to hold up as a weapon.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit. Why? Why me? This is probably Cib’s fault, and if it isn’t I’m going to find a way to blame him,” Steve said, picking up and then tossing back down a small plastic skull. “I’m going to have to go through this fucking maze aren’t I. How the fuck are these crews so serious to the outside world? They are fucking stupid as shit.”

“Well, that’s not a nice thing to say,” A voice from above him and in front of him said. Suddenly a blonde man dropped down from the ceiling attached to some climbing rope and a harness. Steve jumped back and bit off a scream.

“Oh shi- who the fuck are you?” Steve demanded, refusing to move away beyond the initial jump.

“I’m Asher, I work with Fake Chop,” He extended his hand for Steve to shake.

“Alright, cool,” Steve shook his hand and started to edge around him. “I’m just gonna go then.”

“Alright dude, see you around.” Asher started to pull himself back up the rope and into the darkness.

Steve walked silently for another 5 feet before someone else jumped out, this one wielding a chainsaw.

“SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER,” He yelled lifting the chainsaw and revving it. Steve screamed and dove between his legs. As soon as he got through he scrambled to his feet and ran. He heard the guy behind him the whole time and he wasn’t about to die for this shit.

As he ran he passed two people who jumped at him with metal spikes, two women who threw some sort of liquid at him, and one man dressed as a clown who sprayed him with what felt like silly string. He ran until he hit a dead end.

“Shit! Fucking shit!” He punched the wall before turning around and trying to make himself look bigger than he really was. Two people dropped down from the wall, dressed in morphsuits and moving like they were possessed. Both of them were wielding wicked looking knives that they were dragging on the walls as they moved towards Steve. He started to back away from them but he wasn’t sure what the biggest threat was. He was just about to take on the people in the suits when the chainsaw-wielding man was rounding the corner where he could see Steve again. Suddenly there was the deafening bang of a gun going off.

“Which of you motherfuckers made this plan!” He heard Geoff yell.

“Geoff!” He yelled back, trying to get help. The guy with the chainsaw disappeared and when he turned around the other two were gone as well. The chainsaw that he had been using was sitting down on the ground where he had been standing. Steve moved slowly back into the corner and sank down, hugging his knees to his chest.

“Someone needs to find me Steven, and bring him to me now. All of you motherfuckers are in so much trouble,” Geoff yelled again before shooting his gun once more for emphasis. There was silence for a moment before there was the sound of about ten people running around the warehouse. After a moment the two people who had jumped at him with spikes appeared in front of him, this time without the spikes.

“So, I’m James, this is Elyse. We’re gonna get you out of here.”

“Fuck you both,” Steve said, smacking his head back against the wall.

“Do you want to stay here? Cause that can be arranged,” The woman stood up and started to move away.

“No! Fine,” Steve stood up and followed them out. James fell into step behind him, leaving him just following Elyse. He wasn’t comfortable having an unknown at his back but he didn’t really have a choice. After a minute they lead him out through a side door where he saw Geoff and Jack looking pissed while Michael looked like he was trying not to grin. Ryan was still wearing his mask so Steve had no idea what he was thinking.

“Look, we delivered him just fine! No harm, no foul! He’s just fine! Please don’t kill us,” James said pushing Steve forward just a little.

“Listen, everyone knows that we can never be mad at Elyse, but that same love does not extend to you. We can and are very pissed at you,” Jack said, crossing her arms in front of herself.

“The rest of you motherfuckers! Get out here!” Geoff yelled at the maze. Steve could see Aleks and Brett standing behind him looking a mix of worried and amused. There was a moment of silence before four people dropped from the ceiling, two of them attached to ropes and harnesses and the other two just dropped. The other four people that Steve saw came slinking out the front of the maze with their hypothetical tails between their legs.

“So. I told you, ‘hey guys, I want you to meet the leader of a new crew that I want to draw in. He needs to like us,’ and somehow you heard, ‘please make a giant murder maze and terrorize him until he wants to die or kill us.’ am I missing anything?” Geoff looked like he was scolding a child. Steve watched as Brett and Aleks started to slip back out to the door to the street. He started to say something before he decided that seeing how this played out would be much more fun.

“Listen, Geoff, we had to find out what kind of a person the kid was. This plan felt like the best,” the guy who had been wielding the chainsaw said.

“I can’t even believe you. Any of you. When did you even set this up? We didn’t tell you where we were meeting until like two hours ago.”

“Wait. Two of you are missing. Where are Jakob and Lawrence?” Jack asked counting the people who were there. There was a moment of silence where everyone seemed to glance around and then look at the ground. Finally, one of the men who was dressed in the morph suits pulled off his mask and revealed himself to be the James that threw him in the maze and he spoke up, “I have no idea. I know that Jakob wasn’t involved in this plan at all,”

“Neither was Lawrence,” Elyse spoke up standing protectively in front of the man who had used the chainsaw and the other guy in a morphsuit. Jack narrowed his eyes at them before turning to Steve.

“This was just supposed to be an introduction and letting you know why we wanted to recruit you but these assholes changed it up on us. I’m sorry. Are you ok? Did they hurt you?” Jack gave him a cursory visual exam.

“I’m fine? I think? I’m not sure yet.”

Jack nodded once before turning back to the other crews.

“Alright, I guess we can do the introductions now and then we can kill you all later. Do you know anyone yet?”

“I know James, James, Elyse, Trevor, Asher, Aleks, and Brett,” Steve said pointing at everyone in turn. When he pointed at Aleks and Brett he pointed at the door they had disappeared through causing the Fake AH Crew to whirl around to look.

“Fuck. Michael can you go after them and bring them back. Dead or alive I don’t care,” Geoff rubbed his eyes. Michael saluted before he turned and went out the same door. “Alright, the ones that you don’t know are Bruce, Adam, Lindsay, and Anna. There were two more but apparently, they aren’t here. Lawrence and Jakob.” The man who chased him with a chainsaw waved, followed by the other guy in the morphsuit. The two girls nodded before moving over to James and Trevor.

“Why are there two James? Does that ever get confusing?” Steve asking watching them break into their own groups.

“All the fucking time dude, you can call me Nova. It clears up the confusion. Sorry for throwing you into a murder maze? In our defense, we thought it would be fun and it totally was.”

“Nova, alright. Cool,” Steve was starting to freak out a little about how many people in this room could just kill him. Nova’s rage was pretty well known, only a little lesser than the infamous rage of Mogar.

“So I bet you’re wondering why we’ve brought you here,” Adam said with a shit-eating grin.

“I stopped wondering anything after they took my boyfriends and my fucking dogs. Speaking of, if you hurt any of my crew or my dogs I’m gonna, well I’m gonna be a real fucking nuisance cause apparently you can’t die,” Steve finally exploded waving his arms around. His declarations caused Nova and Elyse to snort with laughter. The moment was ruined though when Mogar burst back into the room carrying Aleks’ body over his shoulder with Brett following behind.

“Got ‘em, boss,” Mogar dropped Aleks on the ground and Brett paused for a second before picking him up and carrying him over to the other members of Fake Chop.

“Great, now that most of us are here, let’s get down to business. Steve. We want to bring you into my little family of crews for a few reasons. The first is your crew's loyalty to each other for how short of a time you’ve been together astounds us, and it’s very attractive to us. Reminds us of Fake Chop. The second is that you pissed off the Corpirate, and that makes you our friend. We’ve always had our eyes on James, Autumn, Parker, and Jeremy. Now thanks to you we can have them but in a way where they aren’t freelancer and they like what they do,” Geoff started his sales pitch, Steve’s eyes started to dart around trying to find an escape. He didn’t like where this conversation was going.

“If you agree to join our crew family you get to keep doing what you’re doing, but you get extra funding, better access to weapons, and access to better tech and support if you need it. All we ask for is that you help out the other crews in this family when they ask.”

Geoff finished his speech with a flourish of his arms and he waited.

“Why is the Corpirate important? Why does it matter that we pissed him off?” Steve asked after a moment of silence. This led to more silence as Geoff seemed to be considering how to answer.

“Right now, we are in a war with him. Not like an all-out war, think more like the cold war. Spies, assassinations, subtle moves to edge in on each other’s territory. When you stole from him he decided that it was us and I saw an opportunity. We get more resources and another player in the game, you get a backer and more money. As well as protection from the Corpirate. We hear he fucked up two of your boys pretty bad, we can keep you all safe,”

“As safe as you can be in this business,” Steve heard Nova mutter to Brett.

“What happens to me and my crew if I say no?”

“Well,” And Geoff pulled out his pistol. “Then you die, and your crew along with you. At least those who don’t join you.” The lighthearted Geoff was gone and in his place was the Kingpin. The entire mood in the room shifted, everyone going tense and shifty like they hadn’t expected it to go like this. Steve could see Ryan and Nova shifting for their weapons and knew that one wrong move would get him and everyone he loved killed. He decided to play it cool.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Alright Geoff, deal.” Steve ignored the gun and stuck out his hand. Within a second lighthearted Geoff was back and shaking his hand, as if the last thirty seconds hadn’t even happened.

“By the way, do you have a name yet for your crew?”

“We call ourselves Slaughter Pine Seven.”

“Interesting. Yeah, you’re gonna be Fake Pine Seven. We have a theme and it would be a shame to ruin it now,” Steve went to protest the name change but Geoff still had his gun out.

“Alright,” Jack ignored Steve’s sputtering and clapped drawing everyone’s attention to her. “So, who had the brilliant idea to make a giant murder maze and throw Steve in?”

“Aleks, James, Bruce, and Adam,” Brett and James said at the same time, barely a second after Jack finished asking her question.

“Dude! What the fuck!?” Nova yelled at Brett before a bullet caught him in the side of the head. A second later Adam and Bruce fell to similar fates. Aleks had just reopened his eyes when Nova collapsed on top of him.

“So? Am I going to die again?” He asked, glancing between Nova and Geoff.

“I haven’t decided yet, you did just come back,” Geoff contemplated him with a tilted head.

“Well while you decide my fate can you get this fucker off of me?” He started to push at Nova’s body.

“Yeah, fine you can live. Michael already killed you so I guess that you’re good. Someone help him up.”

“So, are all of you immortal then?” Steve asked watching with fascination as the hole in Nova’s head started to close up.

“Yeah, everyone in this room but you,” Jack said turning to him.

“So now that that has been a murder maze, a few murders, and a kidnapping can I go back to my crew?”

Geoff grinned and looked up at Steve.

“Yeah, you should know though that I have basically adopted Sami Jo as my own and you can ask her why. Honestly though you do need to go rescue your dogs before they are adopted by my crew. Ryan, you want to take him back? You have a bike here right?”

Ryan nodded before taking Steve’s arm and leading him out the front door again. Steve decided that being quiet was probably for the best, but also what’s the fun in that.

“So the mask, is that a dramatic thing or more of a hiding scars thing?” He asked after he climbed onto the back of his motorcycle and pulled on a helmet. There was a moment of silence before he turned his whole body to face Steve.

“Are you just like this all the time?”

“Like what?”

“An asshole,” Ryan spun back around on his seat and gunned the bike. Steve yelped and lurched forward to grab his waist. He didn’t have a chance to say anything else for the rest of the ride. Ryan wasn’t the worst driver but he went out of his way to make the drive as horrible as possible for Steve. Doing things like running every light and dodging between cars and going a hundred miles an hour.

When Ryan pulled up outside of the Fake AH building Steve fell off the bike, ripped off his helmet and threw up.

“Was the ride too much for the baby?” Ryan asked standing next to him. Steve flipped him off and pulled himself up.

“Just take me to my crew asshole.”

“Alright, they’re upstairs in the penthouse. Follow me,” With that Ryan led him into the building and up to the penthouse. “I hope you’re ready for what is beyond this door.”

As soon as Ryan swung open the door Steve got to see the madness inside. Parker was laying on one couch and standing in front of him wielding a two-handed sword was Autumn. She gave out a battle cry and ran at Jeremy Dooley who had a single hand sword and a shield. James was swinging a battle hammer at a Gavin Free who was hanging from the chandelier on the ceiling. Gavin had a bow and quiver and was trying to shoot at James but the chandelier was swinging and he was failing. Jeremy was sitting on the arm of the couch that Parker was laying on and seemed to be refereeing the fight between Autumn and Jeremy. Sami Jo and Cib were nowhere to be seen.

“What? The fuck?” Steve said. He and Ryan stepped into the room and froze again. Gavin was the first one to see them and he pointed above them and yelled, “Ryan look out!”

Ryan and Steve both looked up just in time to see Cib and Sami Jo drop from the ceiling on top of them. Neither of them were able to get out of the way in time and took the brunt of their weight on their backs.

“Get the fuck off of me assholes,” Steve grunted and shoved at them trying to get back to his feet.

“Oh hey, honey. You’ve missed a lot of fun!” Cib wriggled over and kissed his cheek.

“Sure seems like it. Get off of me.”

“They aren’t immortal!” Ryan suddenly yelled out and every bit of movement in the room stopped. Steve looked up and watched as the blood drained out of all of the Fake’s faces and most of his crew as well. He did however also see Parker pass Jeremy some money with a sour look on his face.

“Wait, I thought we were bringing them into the family?” Jeremy asked, dropping his sword.

“We are. But they aren’t immortals.”

“But Ryan, we never bring in people who aren’t immortals? What changed?” Gavin asked, slinging his bow over his shoulder sitting on the chandelier.

“You can ask Geoff that when he gets back. Now get down from there.”

“Can you catch me Rye?” Gavin held out his hands for a second before flinging himself down from the chandelier. Ryan lurched forward and caught him but just barely.

“Jesus! Give a guy a little extra warning!”

“Nah, this was more fun.”

“So wait, we could have actually died? We would have died and not come back?” James asked, looking down at the hammer that he had been using.

“Yeah, but now that you know you should be more careful,” Jeremy said, standing up from the arm of the couch.

“You have worked with us for months now. How could you even think that?” Autumn said, lifting up her great sword and looking at it.

“Listen, we should leave now. I’ve had a long day and I’m very tired. Where are our dogs?” Steve said laying his head on the ground and sighing.

“The dogs are in the back, Jeremy and I will get them. Rimmy Tim can you double check Parker’s bandages,” Gavin said.

“Wait! Why does he get to be Jeremy? Why can’t I be Jeremy? I’m way older than him!” Rimmy Tim demanded, crossing his arms and glaring.

“Because you have a real codename and he doesn’t,” Gavin said while pulling Jeremy back into the back room. Rimmy Tim pouted for a second before he turned to Parker and started to poke at his chest.

“Listen, just don’t do stupid things and your chest won’t reopen again. So don’t do stupid things.”

After a few moments, Jeremy and Gavin came back with all the dogs.

“Alright, count the dogs as we leave. We aren’t leaving any of them behind,” Sami Jo said, hauling Steve to his feet. Everyone picked up a puppy and they headed out. Ryan caught Steve’s arm before he made it out the door.

“You have a good group of people here. Take care of them and they’ll take care of you. Don’t let them go.”

“I wasn’t planning on it. But thank you.”

Steve stepped out of the door and saw Cib and Autumn waiting for him.

“What did he want babe?” Cib asked holding out his hand for Steve to take. Steve took his hand and grinned at them both.

“Just reminding me what I have. C’mon, let’s go home. You would not fucking believe the shit I went through today. I’m going to need a million mimosas to get over this.”

“It couldn’t have been that bad Steve.”

“Two words. Murder. Maze.”  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This one got away from me XD but I hope y'all enjoy it! Leave a comment! <3 Find me on [Tumblr](https://ryanthemadbitch.tumblr.com/)


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